Looking for Stephen King

I used to answer the phones at MGM. Many, many of the people who called were either dim-witted, insane, or both.

Here are some transcripts of my favorite calls presented for posterity:

Ring...Ring...

ME: MGM.

ORNERY YOKEL: Yeah, I wanna talk to Stephen King.

ME: Stephen King, the author?

OY: Or his publisher. I have a story.

ME: Uh, sorry, we don’t have any connection with Mr. King.

OY: Then who does?

ME: I have no idea, sir.

OY: This is Hollywood, right?

ME: …yes.

OY: You answered the phone ‘MGM’, right?

ME: Yes, but we don’t have that information, I’m sorry.

OY: But you produce movies, don’t you?

ME: No, we distribute movies. Sorry.

OY: Well put me through to a producer!

ME: We don’t have producers here. But if you want to contact Stephen King or his publisher
I’m sure you could find their contact information on a book and write to them.

OY: I don’t have a Stephen King book!

ME: Okay, but there are hundreds of millions in print, and you could go to a newsstand, or library, or book store and copy down the information on the back.

OY: I don’t have a book! That’s why I’m doing this on the phone!

ME: I understand, sir, but we don’t publish books. We have nothing to do with that. And we are not involved with Rodeo, or Astronauts. We’re a separate business, and we can’t answer your questions. And I can’t transfer you to someone who would.

OY: Yeah, transfer me.

ME: I can’t transfer you.

OY: You just said you could transfer me!

ME: ???? No, you must have misheard me. I said I CAN’T transfer you. There’s no one here who can answer your question. You have to look elsewhere.

OY: Then put me through to somebody else. A producer.

(FAST FORWARD 5 minutes, repeating the above chorus)

ME: Sorry sir, but we do not represent Stephen King.


OY: I don’t wanna talk to Stephen King!

ME: You started this call by saying you wanted Stephen King or his publisher. If I had to guess, I would bet you could find out how to reach him by looking at the back of any of his books.

OY: I’m f*cking illiterate! That’s why I’m doing this over the phone! I’m a goddamned 46 year old functioning illiterate.

Sadly, this call actually happened.